This is an exact copy of an e-mail I received this morning from my boss. I swear I couldn't make this up if I tried.
From: Him
To: Me and 2 co-workers
Subject: Projects Assignment Party
You are all cordially invited to visit as a Group at 2pm today so that I can assign work, increase your work load and stress level and generally demoralize you with ridiculously short deliverable timeframes.
Look forward to seeing you, and I will send a meeting invite so no one forgets.
Thank you
THIS is why I love my job. I have the coolest department ever.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
My Father, My Brother, My Son
My dad lived 32 years on this earth. In that short time he was a loved son, brother, father, husband and friend. He was also an avid hunter and served in the US Navy in Cuba during the Vietnam War. Although I was not yet 6 years old when he died, I have memories of him and think of him daily. I spent time as a child wondering how my life would be different with him in it and sometimes think that as an adult. The difference is when I think of him now I don't know that my life would have been better if he had lived. That's not to say that I wouldn't have wanted him in my life. He was an alcoholic and made some poor choices but the truly sad part is that he never got a chance to turn that around and become the man he had the potential to be. I wonder how it would have felt to have my dad there when my heart was broken the first time and when his grandchildren were born. My life was spent wondering what could have been.
My brother is 17 months younger than me and he grew up lost in his world. He didn't have a father to guide and teach him. My grandfather (dad's father) tried to help him and loved him unconditionally but he never tried to replace his son and stuck to the grandfather role. My brother has a heart of gold and would give you anything you asked him for without hesitation. I, on the other hand, was stingy and didn't like to share anything with him. We grew up at odds and didn't want much to do with each other. That's not to say I didn't look out for him but we had so much shared pain that it was hard to lean on each other. Even without our dad in our lives, my brother is my dad's son in every way. He does things to excess including drinking and doesn't think things through before acting. He is probably bi-polar but has never been diagnosed. When he was 19 he did his first "county-sponsored vacation" and has had a hard time breaking the cycle. There were many factors and reasons but, for times sake, I won't go into it. The last "visit" lasted 17 months and he has been out since January 2007. He is the same age right now as our dad was when he died.
All of this brings me to my son. My son is 11 years old and thinks nothing is ever his fault. Everything that happens to him is related back to something or someone else and, in his mind, is not as a result of anything he did. We struggle with getting him to see that his actions are the cause of most of his problems but it is like talking to a wall. There have been many times I have walked away after an arguement with him and muttered my brother's name under my breath because that is exactly what my brother thought as well. But my son is also so caring and would give you the shirt off his back if you asked or he thought you needed it. He loves to shoot his bow and arrows when we visit my mom's in Missouri but would never kill an animal. He loves to torment his sister but is also fiercely protective of her.
In so many ways I see my brother in my son. It is frustrating but also endearing. My brother is so much like my dad and my son has so many of the same qualities of my brother. The habits and mentalities are very similar even though they rarely see each other. Is this a peek at what my dad was like when he was growing up? I know it is similar to my brother when he was growing up. Maybe I am clutching at anything to keep a connection to my dad but in some ways, I think it is his way of letting me know that he will always be with me and to help break the cycle that he never was able to. It is a stretch but I refuse to let my son go through the pain that my father and brother did by accepting and learning from the past and doing everything I can to change the future for him. That's not something that my dad's mother would have been able to or my mother can say.
My brother is 17 months younger than me and he grew up lost in his world. He didn't have a father to guide and teach him. My grandfather (dad's father) tried to help him and loved him unconditionally but he never tried to replace his son and stuck to the grandfather role. My brother has a heart of gold and would give you anything you asked him for without hesitation. I, on the other hand, was stingy and didn't like to share anything with him. We grew up at odds and didn't want much to do with each other. That's not to say I didn't look out for him but we had so much shared pain that it was hard to lean on each other. Even without our dad in our lives, my brother is my dad's son in every way. He does things to excess including drinking and doesn't think things through before acting. He is probably bi-polar but has never been diagnosed. When he was 19 he did his first "county-sponsored vacation" and has had a hard time breaking the cycle. There were many factors and reasons but, for times sake, I won't go into it. The last "visit" lasted 17 months and he has been out since January 2007. He is the same age right now as our dad was when he died.
All of this brings me to my son. My son is 11 years old and thinks nothing is ever his fault. Everything that happens to him is related back to something or someone else and, in his mind, is not as a result of anything he did. We struggle with getting him to see that his actions are the cause of most of his problems but it is like talking to a wall. There have been many times I have walked away after an arguement with him and muttered my brother's name under my breath because that is exactly what my brother thought as well. But my son is also so caring and would give you the shirt off his back if you asked or he thought you needed it. He loves to shoot his bow and arrows when we visit my mom's in Missouri but would never kill an animal. He loves to torment his sister but is also fiercely protective of her.
In so many ways I see my brother in my son. It is frustrating but also endearing. My brother is so much like my dad and my son has so many of the same qualities of my brother. The habits and mentalities are very similar even though they rarely see each other. Is this a peek at what my dad was like when he was growing up? I know it is similar to my brother when he was growing up. Maybe I am clutching at anything to keep a connection to my dad but in some ways, I think it is his way of letting me know that he will always be with me and to help break the cycle that he never was able to. It is a stretch but I refuse to let my son go through the pain that my father and brother did by accepting and learning from the past and doing everything I can to change the future for him. That's not something that my dad's mother would have been able to or my mother can say.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Day My $80,000 Business Degree Pays Off
Today we are working hard on correcting payroll mistakes. Boss says we need to schedule a meeting with our lawyer to hammer out some details.
Lawyer suggests a working lunch and co-worker and I beg for a great little Mexican restaurant we know.
Boss: "Ok but we really ARE going to be working."
Me: "Fine. But I'll need my reading glasses. MARGARITA glasses that is!!" as I hold imaginary margarita glasses up to my eyes.
All he can do is shake his head and wonder why he ever hired me. I'm smiling and thanking heaven he did ; )
Lawyer suggests a working lunch and co-worker and I beg for a great little Mexican restaurant we know.
Boss: "Ok but we really ARE going to be working."
Me: "Fine. But I'll need my reading glasses. MARGARITA glasses that is!!" as I hold imaginary margarita glasses up to my eyes.
All he can do is shake his head and wonder why he ever hired me. I'm smiling and thanking heaven he did ; )
Friday, February 22, 2008
Fourteen things you don't really care to know about me
Inspired (yet again) by my blogger buddy, Heather, I am going to finish a few sentences to give you a peek into my soul.
After six....years of marriage I really wondered what the hell I was doing. I was 28 years old and had a serious crisis. Sam can be very high-maintenance and had started having serious health issues and I really wanted to leave it all.
It doesn't matter....if someone likes you or not. I used to try really hard to make everyone like me but now, I could care less. I adore my friends and would do anything for them but I have learned it is about caring for them and not making them like me more.
In another....ten years I will be 44 years old but I guarantee I won't feel any different mentally than I do today. That is the worst part about growing older. My body ages but I don't feel any wiser.
My mother always said....everything happens for a reason. I hated when she said it because it was supposed to make every rotten thing better but it didn't. Now that I am older I do understand what she was saying and repeat it to myself regularly. I have realized that everything that happens brings me to where I am now and regardless of what has happened, I wouldn't change a thing.
There are times....when I wonder what it is like to be single. I watch my single friends go out to happy hours and girls' get-away weekends and try to console myself with the thought of all the nights they spend alone. It doesn't always work when I am being pushed out of the bed due to sleeping with a steam roller and then I wish I had my own bed.
At the wake....there better be tears. I spent so much of my life flying under the radar due to insecurities that I want everyone to realize how much they will really miss me.
Consideration brings....a sense of peace to me. Whenever I go out of my way to be considerate of others it always makes me feel good. I don't really believe in an after-life so I don't do it for a place next to some mythical big guy in the sky but because it is truly my nature to help others.
In 1986....my life was hell. I was 13 years old and my mom forgot she was a mother to two kids. She started hanging out with some older, partying people who didn't have the same obligations (like kids to cook for) and was constantly gone. My grandfather tried to make her see this but she resented him for it and all they did was fight. She moved us out of his house that year and my life was much worse for it.
Don't laugh but....I love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. They are so good but everyone I meet always gags or retches at the thought. I have heard of far worse combinations but it never fails that someone has to make a face when I mention this.
Without hesitation....I would do anything for my brother. He has had a really hard life and done some things that got him in quite a bit of trouble but he knows that I am always here. Especially when my mom gave up on him. All he has to do is ask and I will move heaven and earth to do it.
Ordinarily, I never....say never. There are too many situations you can't even imagine to ever say never. Life is too short to limit yourself by saying never and I believe in living your life to the fullest.
I was driving to....work the other day when I realized that I don't dread going there every day. I am so happy with my worklife right now it is ridiculous to me. I have never had so much contentment from a job.
If I ever....win the lotto, I won't live any differently than I do right now. Except I will pay-off all our debt. I am far too simple to live lavishly.
In my mind....everyone is completely equal. I really don't understand how someone can consider themselves any better than someone else because of their skin color, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. What makes THEM so important that they are better? Truly and honestly, I don't get it.
After six....years of marriage I really wondered what the hell I was doing. I was 28 years old and had a serious crisis. Sam can be very high-maintenance and had started having serious health issues and I really wanted to leave it all.
It doesn't matter....if someone likes you or not. I used to try really hard to make everyone like me but now, I could care less. I adore my friends and would do anything for them but I have learned it is about caring for them and not making them like me more.
In another....ten years I will be 44 years old but I guarantee I won't feel any different mentally than I do today. That is the worst part about growing older. My body ages but I don't feel any wiser.
My mother always said....everything happens for a reason. I hated when she said it because it was supposed to make every rotten thing better but it didn't. Now that I am older I do understand what she was saying and repeat it to myself regularly. I have realized that everything that happens brings me to where I am now and regardless of what has happened, I wouldn't change a thing.
There are times....when I wonder what it is like to be single. I watch my single friends go out to happy hours and girls' get-away weekends and try to console myself with the thought of all the nights they spend alone. It doesn't always work when I am being pushed out of the bed due to sleeping with a steam roller and then I wish I had my own bed.
At the wake....there better be tears. I spent so much of my life flying under the radar due to insecurities that I want everyone to realize how much they will really miss me.
Consideration brings....a sense of peace to me. Whenever I go out of my way to be considerate of others it always makes me feel good. I don't really believe in an after-life so I don't do it for a place next to some mythical big guy in the sky but because it is truly my nature to help others.
In 1986....my life was hell. I was 13 years old and my mom forgot she was a mother to two kids. She started hanging out with some older, partying people who didn't have the same obligations (like kids to cook for) and was constantly gone. My grandfather tried to make her see this but she resented him for it and all they did was fight. She moved us out of his house that year and my life was much worse for it.
Don't laugh but....I love peanut butter and pickle sandwiches. They are so good but everyone I meet always gags or retches at the thought. I have heard of far worse combinations but it never fails that someone has to make a face when I mention this.
Without hesitation....I would do anything for my brother. He has had a really hard life and done some things that got him in quite a bit of trouble but he knows that I am always here. Especially when my mom gave up on him. All he has to do is ask and I will move heaven and earth to do it.
Ordinarily, I never....say never. There are too many situations you can't even imagine to ever say never. Life is too short to limit yourself by saying never and I believe in living your life to the fullest.
I was driving to....work the other day when I realized that I don't dread going there every day. I am so happy with my worklife right now it is ridiculous to me. I have never had so much contentment from a job.
If I ever....win the lotto, I won't live any differently than I do right now. Except I will pay-off all our debt. I am far too simple to live lavishly.
In my mind....everyone is completely equal. I really don't understand how someone can consider themselves any better than someone else because of their skin color, religion, sex, or sexual orientation. What makes THEM so important that they are better? Truly and honestly, I don't get it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Why my grandmother thought I was a lesbian
I've lived a lot in my 34 years and I am grateful for all of the experiences, good and bad, because I think they all led to my becoming a kick-ass adult ; ) My family was a bit worried at first considering I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth and then dropped out of college a semester in to pursue a highly successful career in gas station attending. Sadly that career ended when I was questioned at police headquarters under suspicion of robbing the joint while my best friend was working on my night off. They figured it had to be two dumb blondes that thought up the brilliant scheme of taping her hands togther in front of her and then locking her in the bathroom. Which locked from the inside. Of course I had nothing to do with it since I was sitting at home on my one night off watching a Lifetime movie with my mom. To say I was pathetic is an understatement.
One day while pondering my future a recruiter called out of the blue to see if I was still interested in the Army. I had shown an interest in it when I was in high school because, well, face it. My options were limited in Cowtown, Missouri where I grew up. So I said sure I was still interested and waited until he showed up in person to mention that I was about.....oh, 50 pounds too heavy to join. He was nice (and super hot) and the recruiting numbers must have been low because he kept in touch. I wound up losing around 70 pounds to join up so off I went to sign-up in Kansas City. My family was very proud of me because I was going to "Be All I Could Be" and not only because I was finally getting out of my mom's house where I begged for beer and cigarette money on a regular basis.
I called my grandmother breathless to say I had finally accomplished what I had worked so hard for and barely had a chance to say "I joined the Army!" when she went completely silent. When she spoke, it was quick and to the point. "So I guess this means we were right and you really are a lesbian, huh?". Blow ME over with a feather cause where the hell would she get that idea? Maybe I didn't date boys regularly (or ever) but that was their choice not mine. I answered that I didn't think I was but that could change after I had a chance to see all those naked ladies in the shower for 8 weeks of Basic Training.
I never did become a lesbian but I did take up the habit of calling all my friends 'my girlfriends' when I would call or write and even call Sam by a girl name to this day. Funny thing is that she has never met him so I'm not entirely sure she believes me that he is a man ; )
One day while pondering my future a recruiter called out of the blue to see if I was still interested in the Army. I had shown an interest in it when I was in high school because, well, face it. My options were limited in Cowtown, Missouri where I grew up. So I said sure I was still interested and waited until he showed up in person to mention that I was about.....oh, 50 pounds too heavy to join. He was nice (and super hot) and the recruiting numbers must have been low because he kept in touch. I wound up losing around 70 pounds to join up so off I went to sign-up in Kansas City. My family was very proud of me because I was going to "Be All I Could Be" and not only because I was finally getting out of my mom's house where I begged for beer and cigarette money on a regular basis.
I called my grandmother breathless to say I had finally accomplished what I had worked so hard for and barely had a chance to say "I joined the Army!" when she went completely silent. When she spoke, it was quick and to the point. "So I guess this means we were right and you really are a lesbian, huh?". Blow ME over with a feather cause where the hell would she get that idea? Maybe I didn't date boys regularly (or ever) but that was their choice not mine. I answered that I didn't think I was but that could change after I had a chance to see all those naked ladies in the shower for 8 weeks of Basic Training.
I never did become a lesbian but I did take up the habit of calling all my friends 'my girlfriends' when I would call or write and even call Sam by a girl name to this day. Funny thing is that she has never met him so I'm not entirely sure she believes me that he is a man ; )
Sunday, February 17, 2008
My three wishes
We were drinking over at the neighbor's house Friday night. They have their garage turned into a bar complete with satellite television and neon signs. If you don't get too drunk to run into the Jeep parked in there when you leave, it was a good night.
So we're drinking and chatting and someone brings up what you would choose if you could have three wishes. We were taking turns telling what our wishes would be and I, of course, froze. I'm never good at spontaneous things like that. My neighbor (one of the funniest people I know) wishes to spend more time with the kids, have a beach house as a second home~which is where his wife jumped in and said if she got her wish of a million bucks he wouldn't have to waste his wish on this because she was buying it. This led to a brief tirade from him about how she will not leave this area because her whole family is here and she agreed that she won't leave until her family is all gone. My neighbor turns and says with the straightest of faces, "And that would be my third wish."
So we're drinking and chatting and someone brings up what you would choose if you could have three wishes. We were taking turns telling what our wishes would be and I, of course, froze. I'm never good at spontaneous things like that. My neighbor (one of the funniest people I know) wishes to spend more time with the kids, have a beach house as a second home~which is where his wife jumped in and said if she got her wish of a million bucks he wouldn't have to waste his wish on this because she was buying it. This led to a brief tirade from him about how she will not leave this area because her whole family is here and she agreed that she won't leave until her family is all gone. My neighbor turns and says with the straightest of faces, "And that would be my third wish."
Saturday, February 16, 2008
When I die, I know what hell will look like.....
One of the things we humans all have in common is the thoughts we have put into wondering what happens to us when we die. Maybe we spent nights as a child praying for forgiveness so we wouldn't wind up with that awful devil that parents and preachers spent so much time getting us to fear. It is one thing that no one can answer and we are all left to imagine where we will end up once our time on this earth is done. While not absolutely 100% certain, I am pretty sure after today I know what hell looks like. A knock-off Chuck E. Cheese.
Our daughter was invited there for a birthday party for the next door neighbor's daughter. It is a pretty cool place for a local joint considering we are in a small town. During the summertime they have go-carts, bumper boats, paintball, putt putt golf and a small roller coaster. Best part is it is 5 minutes from our house. During the summertime you never really venture inside except to get drinks, pretzels and load back up your card with credits. Wintertime? The outdoor stuff is closed down and you are forced inside into the Chuck E. Cheese style gallery with the noisy games, rockwall and laser tag.
Let me tell you, it is the bowels of hell. The noise alone makes you want to pull your own eyelashes out for a distraction. The obnoxious offspring of completely idiotic parents make you wish they served booze. Your own obnoxious offspring running from game to game shoving tickets at you to hold and whining when the tokens/credits run out? Enough to make you wish you could still take kids to the bathroom for a good old butt kicking without fear of the cops hauling you out of there in handcuffs. Then you get to feed the machine that counts all of their tickets up and it is guaranteed that at least half of the machines will be broken so you have to wait behind that one kid who feeds the machine one. ticket. at. a. time. UGH!!! Of course then you get to follow that same kid to the counter where he/she spends an incredibly ridiculous amount of time selecting his prizes. But then it gets SO much better. Now you get to explain to your own child how many points they have and what they can get for that amount. Then they select something that they don't have enough tickets for and you explain this in a sweet voice and ask if could they please move down to the side where the lower-priced prizes are easier to see?
After they go through 50 different scenarios and still haven't picked anything, you find yourself walking away from the counter while they demand to know why they didn't get to pick anything. With gritted teeth you snap that it is because they couldn't decide from anything they could actually get and that if it is that hard they should hold onto them and wait until next time when they can get something they really want. Their little eyes beg and implore you to go back so you turn around to get back on line. Only to find that same kid from the ticket-counting machine again who is picking 5-ticket prizes with like 500 total tickets.
Yes, when I die I am going to hell and THIS will be where I will have to spend it.
Our daughter was invited there for a birthday party for the next door neighbor's daughter. It is a pretty cool place for a local joint considering we are in a small town. During the summertime they have go-carts, bumper boats, paintball, putt putt golf and a small roller coaster. Best part is it is 5 minutes from our house. During the summertime you never really venture inside except to get drinks, pretzels and load back up your card with credits. Wintertime? The outdoor stuff is closed down and you are forced inside into the Chuck E. Cheese style gallery with the noisy games, rockwall and laser tag.
Let me tell you, it is the bowels of hell. The noise alone makes you want to pull your own eyelashes out for a distraction. The obnoxious offspring of completely idiotic parents make you wish they served booze. Your own obnoxious offspring running from game to game shoving tickets at you to hold and whining when the tokens/credits run out? Enough to make you wish you could still take kids to the bathroom for a good old butt kicking without fear of the cops hauling you out of there in handcuffs. Then you get to feed the machine that counts all of their tickets up and it is guaranteed that at least half of the machines will be broken so you have to wait behind that one kid who feeds the machine one. ticket. at. a. time. UGH!!! Of course then you get to follow that same kid to the counter where he/she spends an incredibly ridiculous amount of time selecting his prizes. But then it gets SO much better. Now you get to explain to your own child how many points they have and what they can get for that amount. Then they select something that they don't have enough tickets for and you explain this in a sweet voice and ask if could they please move down to the side where the lower-priced prizes are easier to see?
After they go through 50 different scenarios and still haven't picked anything, you find yourself walking away from the counter while they demand to know why they didn't get to pick anything. With gritted teeth you snap that it is because they couldn't decide from anything they could actually get and that if it is that hard they should hold onto them and wait until next time when they can get something they really want. Their little eyes beg and implore you to go back so you turn around to get back on line. Only to find that same kid from the ticket-counting machine again who is picking 5-ticket prizes with like 500 total tickets.
Yes, when I die I am going to hell and THIS will be where I will have to spend it.
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