Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Why my grandmother thought I was a lesbian

I've lived a lot in my 34 years and I am grateful for all of the experiences, good and bad, because I think they all led to my becoming a kick-ass adult ; ) My family was a bit worried at first considering I graduated high school by the skin of my teeth and then dropped out of college a semester in to pursue a highly successful career in gas station attending. Sadly that career ended when I was questioned at police headquarters under suspicion of robbing the joint while my best friend was working on my night off. They figured it had to be two dumb blondes that thought up the brilliant scheme of taping her hands togther in front of her and then locking her in the bathroom. Which locked from the inside. Of course I had nothing to do with it since I was sitting at home on my one night off watching a Lifetime movie with my mom. To say I was pathetic is an understatement.

One day while pondering my future a recruiter called out of the blue to see if I was still interested in the Army. I had shown an interest in it when I was in high school because, well, face it. My options were limited in Cowtown, Missouri where I grew up. So I said sure I was still interested and waited until he showed up in person to mention that I was about.....oh, 50 pounds too heavy to join. He was nice (and super hot) and the recruiting numbers must have been low because he kept in touch. I wound up losing around 70 pounds to join up so off I went to sign-up in Kansas City. My family was very proud of me because I was going to "Be All I Could Be" and not only because I was finally getting out of my mom's house where I begged for beer and cigarette money on a regular basis.

I called my grandmother breathless to say I had finally accomplished what I had worked so hard for and barely had a chance to say "I joined the Army!" when she went completely silent. When she spoke, it was quick and to the point. "So I guess this means we were right and you really are a lesbian, huh?". Blow ME over with a feather cause where the hell would she get that idea? Maybe I didn't date boys regularly (or ever) but that was their choice not mine. I answered that I didn't think I was but that could change after I had a chance to see all those naked ladies in the shower for 8 weeks of Basic Training.

I never did become a lesbian but I did take up the habit of calling all my friends 'my girlfriends' when I would call or write and even call Sam by a girl name to this day. Funny thing is that she has never met him so I'm not entirely sure she believes me that he is a man ; )

2 comments:

thewishfulwriter said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

e'hem.

really? you get to shower with the girls in basic training?

where do i sign up?

Reticent Writer said...

LOL! Yup, all kinds of nekked ladies running around. And you lose all inhibitions when you shower together for long. You'd throw you leg up over the sink, point at your ankle and say, "Does this sore look infected?" with all your goodies on display in the mirror ; ) Back then it was way worse with the "Don't ask, don't tell" but believe you me, you didn't need to ask cause you knew!!!